Add Comment
gender issues: we all has them.(man, i so wanted to title this "you think i have gender issues? NO U. also, this is kindasorta more of a rant than an actual essay or whatever. politely spewing some bile out on the internet, if you will.)
I have a lot of shit kicking around in my head right now, and as usual, most of it relates to gender. Shocking, I know. This past year or so has seen me gradually give up the crippling fear of anything relating to gender or queer theory that I've built up over the past six or seven years or so. While I still believe in action over theory - and in this case that means I would much rather live my life than read what other people have to say about it - I have come to the shocking realisation that while a lot of it has to be taken with a grain of salt, there is actually some sense to some of the things people are talking about! A mindblowing realisation, I'm sure you'll all agree. Mostly I've been reading Kate Bornstein and Julia Serano. If you're into the whole gender thing, or just interested in reading about it from a perspective that might differ from yours, and which definitely differs from mainstream views of gender, both in terms of roles and identity, you could do much worse than reading Gender Trouble by the former and Whipping Girl by the latter. But I'm not here to wax intellectual about gender or to regurgitate concepts I've read about in books of gender and queer theory. That is not what I do - in fact, I would go so far as to say that this post has nothing to do with theory at all. I want to talk about gender roles and the myth perpetuated by mainstream society that says that "gender issues" are something that's specific to trans people, that if you have "gender issues" then there is something wrong with you. Because here is my point: Our heteronormative, patriarchal society's rigid gender roles fuck everyone up. It's easy to point at the trans kids and go "they're weird, they're different, they have those gender issues" while completely ignoring the ways in which the norms and roles we are forced into and forced to adhere to as men or as women leave most people inadequate, unable to measure up to the standards set for them as members of their gender - one of two, of course, because we are told that being anything other than a man or a woman is impossible and unheard of. It is very hard to navigate a society with as rigidly defined gender roles and norms as ours without either accepting that you are an "other", an outsider, at least to some extent, or attempting to deny this and overcompensating as much as you can for what you have been taught to believe is a failure on your part to be sufficiently masculine or feminine - a "real man" or a "real woman". Most people single out transsexual and transgendered people as people who have "gender issues". But you know who else has gender issues? That young guy who gets drunk every weekend and starts fights because he thinks he has to prove that he's a "real man". The teenage girl who wears more make-up than she feels comfortable with and goes on diet after endless diet because she has been raised to believe that that is what girls do. The middle-aged man who is uncomfortable with homosexuality because if a man can love another man and still be a man, what does that say about his own masculinity, about his own identity as a straight man? The list of examples is endless. I'm sure you can think of a few yourself - it is a common problem, one most people face whether they have the tools to recognise and articulate it or not. And of course, "gender issues" does not necessarily mean "issues with one's gender identity" - in this case, it means "issues with one's gender role". The main difference, in this particular instance, between that tough boy who beats people up to assert his masculinity and a transsexual man or woman is that the trans person has had to analyse both their gender identity and gender role because the gender they were socialised to be a member of is the exact opposite of the one they always have or eventually come to consider themselves a part of. But to an extent, when it comes to that basic sense of not measuring up, of not being "good enough" as a man or as a woman, everyone shares the same frustration, albeit to a lesser or greater degree. And it is, of course, entirely possible to be perfectly comfortable in your gender identity - completely content and happy with being a man or with being a woman - and still feel deeply inadequate when it comes to the role you are told you must fulfil and the norms you must adhere to as a member of that gender. But I would still argue that all of these "issues" - all that insecurity, these feelings of not measuring up, the frustration and resentment that builds up because of it - are a symptom of a problem that, while it is being addressed and analysed, processed and deconstructed to death by gender theorists, mainstream society at large still seems quite blind to. Because the truth is this: There are no "real men". There are no "real women". And there are people who don't fall neatly into either category. And as long as the myth of binary gender is still presented as fact by society as a whole, as long as we are still being told that there are definitive characteristics that make someone a man and a separate set of definitive characteristics that make someone a woman, we are creating a society of individuals who are confused about where they fit in, who strive to prove themselves as adequate members of their gender, and who, in smaller or bigger ways, will always fall short. Of course, most people hide their insecurities, or never quite manage to get to a point where they're able to put their finger on what exactly their problem is. That tough boy might say he drinks to enjoy himself and he starts fights as a way of blowing off steam, or he didn't mean to anyway, or he just gets that way when he's drunk. The teenage girl with her endless diets is just trying to lose a few pounds for prom or to get into that new pair of jeans she wants. The middle-aged homophobe just thinks homos are gross or unnatural. But I do think that if we examine these things we'll find that so many of the problems people face in their personal lives, as well as the problems they create for other people, are a result, in part or in whole, of the narrow constraints of the gender roles we have been pushed into and continue to attempt to force ourselves and other people into. So that's my bit for today. While the patriarchal, heterosexist structures of our society, along with the gender binary it relies on, favours some people (straight non-trans men) over others (everyone else), ultimately this system hurts everyone. There are no winners in the gender game, it's just a matter of how much you lose. The more people realise this and start thinking about it and consciously reacting against it, the easier this world will be to navigate for those of us to have the most to lose, as well as for everyone else. Because this is not just about the young girl who doesn't know how to live because society has decided that her penis means she has to be a boy. It's not just about the teenage boy who wears hoodies three sizes too big for him and walks with a hunch to hide that he has breasts. It is about all of us, it affects every single one of us, and it needs to change.
|
ARCHIVE
MY FRIENDS
tukruobscene
PanasonicYouth Gabriel's Gonna Rollerblade Harold Bensington I R Kitten, HEAR ME rewr Buzznet's Official New Age Amazon kelleyjames petewentz fallingfortruth Cobra Starship deadxstop theoneandonlyjoetrohman FOLLOWERS ALL FRIENDS Kasperobscene's Journal Widgets: RSS | ATOM | JavaScript |
And I remember a couple (homophobic, sexist and possible MRAs) were gossiping, and I can distinctly remember "Dude, she's a dude, or it!"
Great essay by the way.
I think I love you more than I have ever loved you in the past.
If I can share some of my own issues, without trying to turn this into being all about me, but tying in with what you've said: I'm happy being female. I am comfortable in my gender identity. However, I do not argue that I am a tomboy, that I have some stereotypically "masculine" interests. Those have never made me feel like less of a woman.
What DID manage to make me question myself was a decision I still stick firmly to: I decided several years ago that I do not want to have children. I sat down, thought about it and finally came to the conclusion of that just not being a goal I have in life. And yes, since being open about that with people I have constantly been told "You'll change your mind!" Or "Just wait until your biological clock goes off!"
This is not what bothered me, either. What bothered me, very recently, was feeling like at some point I had screwed myself up. I was fully aware that I didn't want kids, but I felt like there was something wrong with me that I wasn't UPSET about it, that I wasn't working to change that. As if I thought I needed to be in therapy because I was so calm and genuinely okay with not wanting kids. THAT led to me dissecting everything since I turned 14 for a reason I was so okay and logical with not wanting them: was it because I gave up wearing skirts in high school? Was it because I had gotten into weightlifting and kickboxing? Was it because I was afraid of having kids after being in a bad relationship with someone who may or may not have TRIED to get my pregnant against my will? Could it actually be possible that I didn't want kids, or was it just part of my trauma and would I be missing out by not getting that fixed?
And while I put it all in the past tense, I still sometimes worry. On top of which, the dating field can be very, very narrow for me because a lot of guys don't understand how someone like me doesn't want children. My own father has made reference to not understanding and made comments about how "smart people like" me needed to start breeding faster so the idiots don't take over the population.
It is the only time I have truly felt weird about being a girl...because as much as I love it, it felt like the world and a part of myself was telling me "UR DOIN IT RONG."
"It's easy to point at the trans kids and go "they're weird, they're different, they have those gender issues" while completely ignoring the ways in which the norms and roles we are forced into and forced to adhere to as men or as women leave most people inadequate, unable to measure up to the standards set for them as members of their gender."
And this:
"Because the truth is this: There are no "real men". There are no "real women". And there are people who don't fall neatly into either category. And as long as the myth of binary gender is still presented as fact by society as a whole, as long as we are still being told that there are definitive characteristics that make someone a man and a separate set of definitive characteristics that make someone a woman, we are creating a society of individuals who are confused about where they fit in, who strive to prove themselves as adequate members of their gender, and who, in smaller or bigger ways, will always fall short."
Because for the most part, people don't notice just how prevalent gender roles are. But that's because they are so INGRAINED in every part of the culture, that most people don't even think about them!
If you do change your mind in the future, that's your prerogative, but don't doubt yourself just because others do. You aren't doing anything wrong. It would be REALLY unfair if you had a kid just to prove you aren't "traumatized" or w/e.
I wish ppl didnt have to define themselves and could just live who they are...its sad that we are still not above these things in this day and age.
to make a comparison to something far more trivial, it's one thing to say "i like fall out boy and my chem, so i guess i'm a bit of an emo kid", and another thing entirely to go "oh man, i'm an emo kid, that means i have to like panic at the disco" and forcing yourself to listen to them because you're "supposed" to. and, of course, you don't actually have to accept that dreaded label even if you do like one or even all of the above bands. but you can, and that's ok!
(DISCLAIMER OMG: before i get e-murdered by the fans of any of these bands, all of whom i am rather fond of: i am not claiming that any of these bands are the dreaded "e" word - i'm making a light-hearted comparison. go with it.)
but does that make sense? we define our labels, and we have the power to bend and twist them to fit us. these labels do not define us, and we must not break our backs trying to fit into them.
eeeeeeeexactly. sexism, heterosexism, and cissexism are all so deeply ingrained in our culture, and it takes a lot of work to even realise how bad it really is. in a sense, it's probably easier for me to notice it than a lot of people, because i never had a choice. but that doesn't mean it doesn't affect everyone else, too.
nb i am not trying to say that you don't "get" it, or that you have to be trans to see these things - not at all. i'm just saying that it's very easy to be blind to these things if you're able to. just like it's easy for men to be blind to sexism, for straight people to be blind to homophobia, for white people to be blind to racism, et cetera. i know you see these things, and i know a lot of other smart people do, too, and that's awesome. it's just that where some people - the most obvious example obviously being a standard-masculine, gender normative straight cis man - are able to move through most areas of their lives and only be directly affected by it in ways they might not notice are a part of something much bigger than just isolated incidents, i'm hit over the head with it on a daily basis.
ILU ASHLY.
also, it totally sucks that you were made to feel that way about your decision not to have kids. i guess that's one upside of being a great big queertastic tranner, at least in my case - people stopped expecting me to ever have kids years ago, hah!
seriously, though, i know you know that the assumption that you must or should want to have kids is bullshit, but i feel it needs reiterating: IT IS BULLSHIT. not wanting kids clearly does not make you any less of a woman, because you are a woman, and that is the end of that. argh rargh rargh LOOK! OVER THERE! IT'S THE PATRIARCHY! LET'S BLAME IT! arghsdfjdshfdsjfhds.
even aside from the ridiculousness of someone fabricating a rumour about some famous lady or other being OMG A TRANNER!!!!11!! -- i do love the way those assholes will leap at any chance to dehumanise trans people. awesomefuckingtastic. very few things are as sure to send me into a rage blackout than calling us "it". motherfucker, i am a human being.
oh, totally. it takes effort, sometimes, to educate yourself on things that don't affect you directly, or even things that do affect you but that you've been conditioned to be blind to.
and thanks, i'm glad you like my journals :)
When I was in middle school, I had a guy "friend" who would pick on me in class and sall me "Shim"(as in a "she who is actually a he" and "it".
The thing is, he'd call me the same day and act like I was his best friend.
I wish I had the insight that I do now.....
Man, I love gender, but let me tell you, nothing in the world makes people more uncomfortable than genderfucking. It's going to be a long fight.
and yeah, for real. it's a long fight, and it's a hard one. but i love it. diversity is awesome, yo.
also i got the book Whipping Girl for xmas this year :) still haven't read the whole thing though.
take care!!
-jordan